i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
