listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
