I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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