i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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