When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
