im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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