Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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