it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
