I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize