I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
