if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
