Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
