normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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