For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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