i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
