no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
