I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
