I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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