I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
did you just send me my own nude
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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