By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
