We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize