just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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