On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
