I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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