I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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