1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
