You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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