you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
