Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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