Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
