Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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