So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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