I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize