what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
