I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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