I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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