I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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