Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize