So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i now understand why vodka
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
