Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
