I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
