I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
