Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
