i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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