She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
