I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
