Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
