went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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