The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
