Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
The cops high fived after they tackled you
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize