I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
