Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
