Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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