How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
