I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
